I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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