Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
