UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
home. puking in laundry basket.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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