So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
