My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
