I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
be right there i have to get my cape
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
