If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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