You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
