good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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