All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
