so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
