The best revenge is premature balding
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize