so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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