i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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