she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
