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All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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