I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
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