Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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