Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
