I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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