Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
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