All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
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