I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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