Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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