I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
