All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize