Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
