Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
