this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
