Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize