I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I need a burrito and a hug.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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