I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
