Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
