My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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