i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
