She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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