Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
