I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
