my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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