i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
