SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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