does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just cut my nipple shaving
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
