my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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