Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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