I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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