i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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