I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
my liver is dry heaving
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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