Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
