Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
