remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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