Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize