I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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