I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
