You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
