this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Girls should come with a carfax report
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Are we still banned from the library?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
