Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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