Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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