at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
