wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
farters have to be the big spoon...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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