Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I love having hate sex.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Do you remember whose house we're in?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
