You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
