tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
