I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize