My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
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